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I made it through yesterday. I didn't call. I didn't leave a voicemail. I didn't send an inquiry through the website. I did it, but I went to bed with a heavy heart. Unfortunately that heaviness carried me into my day today. So what did I do? I spiraled. My mind wouldn't quiet. And I called her from an unknown number that she couldn't have blocked, and left not one, but two voicemails. What exactly is my fucking problem? Truth is, this feels like withdrawal. The spiraling fee

I had considered writing a number of things today. Tons of possibility. But now as I find myself in front of the laptop at 9:05 PM on June 11th, I realize there's really only one option. Because on this night... two months ago... ... she reluctantly told me the thing that had the power to change everything. She was in love with me. DoorDash is something I had started doing when I was unemployed to help make ends meet. I hesitated telling her about this for quite some time. Sh

You know how I'm the kind of girl who will think through every worst case scenario, no matter how big, or how small the situation is? It could be big stuff like what would happen if we fell behind on bills, who's going to pay to bury my parents, or a caterer not showing up for a wedding. But its also the small stuff... What if I pick this nail color and I wear a shirt this week that doesn't match? What if I eat breakfast before floating the river and have to shit in the water

There's a predominant section on the homepage of this website called Currently Playing. Music has always been my therapy. I find a song, hear someone else put words around whatever giant fucking thing is sitting in my chest and it becomes a sigh of relief… because someone, somewhere, gets it. My Currently Playing for the last nine days has been about the love I shared with her. In fact, so has every single post I have made in the last 9 days. A memoir to my heartbreak, I gues

I didn't shower for 5 full days after I saw you last. On the 6th day, I took a shower, but only convinced myself to do so by agreeing with myself that I didn’t have to shave. On the 7th day, I put on mascara. And today, 8 days after I saw you last, I curled my hair, did my makeup, and put on your favorite outfit. The one with the blue and white pants. Progress... Right? Welcome to Saturday's Novel. There are five stages of grief. I couldn't remember the number, but I looked i

It has officially been one week since I have talked to you, laughed with you, cried with you, kissed you, held you, touched your hair, watch your eyes light up when you smile, or watch you fall apart at my touch.

Day 5 I stand corrected. Just because the text says delivered, doesn't mean it was. It's an update for IOS 16 and newer. So maybe you didn't get my text message. Maybe Josh didn't get Kyle's? What can I say, Tracy? It was a hail Mary... Can you really blame me? Creating that Google Voice account and texting you, was a hail Mary. I thought, "maybe she had to block all forms of communication at that moment, with Josh. Maybe he made her. Maybe it was her way of proving she wou

Day 4 Did you know that I have absolutely NO chill? Like... none. Zilch. Zero. It's non-existent. What I would give to be cool, calm and collected. Maybe even how you're pretending to be right now. That whole "I'm not going to chase" thing? Yeah... I may not be as creepy as booking a session with you... but babe, I'm still here. 100%. So, some developments on this end. I was on Linkedin, viewing your gorgeous face, and Linkedin informed me that Jackie viewed my profile. Yup

Day 4 Will you think of me in time? It's never my luck, so never mind... I wanna say your name, But the pain starts again. It’s never my luck. So never mind... I had a dream that you were with me. It wasn't my fault. Yoi rolled me over, flipped me over, like a summersault. That doesn't happen to me. I've never been here before. I saw forever in my never and I stood outside her heaven. Will you wait for me, in time?It's never my luck, so never mind.... Yeah, I lost a lot of wh

Day 3 I can't stop shaking. It's like an internal tremor running through every part of my body. It won't stop and just keeps getting worse. I've cried at my desk all day. Chelsea asked if I was okay. I said no, but that I didn't want to talk about it.

Day 3 I guess someone from the garage finally figured out how to do their job. I knew entering the garage, that you wouldn't be there. I knew it. But still, I wanted to be where we once were. I wanted the serenity that the roof gave me. So seeing the gate closed for once, today of all days, was a gut punch to say the least. So now, I sit in the parking lot across the street... ... staring at my past. Is it the past? My heart jumps every time a red car comes into my periphe

Day 3 Another day has passed. Not a word. Not a sign. Not a visit to the blog. Not a note on my windshield. Not a response to the inquiry. Not a response to my text about returning your hoodie and money. Nothing. I'm still holding onto a little hope ... but if I'm being honest... it's slipping. This is why we should have talked on the way home. I should have understood all of the different scenarios we needed to plan for. To discuss. I need expectations managed. Right now, a

Day 3 I've read and reread your email a thousand times in the last two days. Trying to look for signs that you still love me. I've updated Amber on literally everything, because it's her back porch that I spent the day sobbing on yesterday. She read it and asked "why the email? you guys usually text, right?" I said yes. I figured it was a good formal way to notify me that I'm not to communicate with you. What if you're mad at me right now? You said no communication. But

Day 3 The silence is deafening. My heart has never hurt like this before. I miss you. Do you feel the same? I'll write more later. I'll be on the rooftop during my lunch today.

Day 3 I'm at the carwash. The one by the QuikTrip. I think I'll make a habit of coming after I get off work, before heading home. A quick freshen up... and a small chance you'll be here. No matter how small the chance, it's hope. No signs of life from you, has my mind spinning... I re-read your email again, I agree with the fact that it came via email was strange. But the thing that stuck out to me today is that you said "Since there was no actual discussion on the ride ho

Day 2 Hey Baby, I've been thinking... god, have I been thinking. There's no way I should even try to put all of my thoughts into one letter to you. There are too many. They are too frequent. By the time I finish writing down one thought, three more have popped into my head. I also don't really know how to determine which of the many, many thoughts are more important to share. So if this turns into a ramble, I apologize. But cohesive writing right now isn't exactly at the top

Day 1 Hi My Love, Am I supposed to continue writing this like gaggles of random strangers are reading this? The website hasn't even been crawled by google and only one person has the link. So I guess it would be pointless to keep writing as if it's not you. I'm not even sure if you'll read this. I'm not sure if you'll ever come back to this page. What I imagine is happening inside of you right now is that your wall is up. Possibly higher than it's ever been before. You've tu

My entire life, I feel like I have lived with different levels of sexual dysfunction. And while research has assured me that my level of dysfunction isn’t exactly abnormal, the entertainment industry has led me to believe that it is, in fact, not normal. And in my 27 years of being sexually active, my situation hasn’t actually gotten any better. In fact... it's only gotten worse. The Past Having the inability to climax through penetration alone, is something that men eventual

I heard the buzzing in my sleep first. A rhythmic buzz, two quick, one long. Two quick, one long. My eyes fluttered open, disoriented. In my dream, I was just on the beach. I quickly closed my eyes trying to get back there. Buzz buzz… Buuuuuzzz. My eyes opened again and this time I knew it was my phone This is the part of the story where... the writer would say “I wondered who could be calling me at this hour?” But that wouldn’t be truthful. Because I knew when I turned my ph

I had a conversation with her last night. And if I’m being honest, this conversation left me… truly, I don’t know what the word is. But it resulted in a day of contemplation, deep thought, and endless wondering. I guess you could say it was a feeling I am unable to name… OR shake. So, here I am. Blogging. Lisa would be so proud of me. Last night, she complimented my eyes, how they looked like “they were responsible for putting a million stars in the sky”. And as usual, my g