Lunch.

Day 3

I guess someone from the garage finally figured out how to do their job.  I knew entering the garage, that you wouldn't be there. I knew it. But still, I wanted to be where we once were. I wanted the serenity that the roof gave me. So seeing the gate closed for once, today of all days, was a gut punch to say the least. 

So now, I sit in the parking lot across the street...

... staring at my past. 

Is it the past? My heart jumps every time a red car comes into my periphery.  It's never you. 

I almost took Lakeline into Austin this morning, hoping I'd see you. But then I remembered that you don't have an office to go to. I also know your schedule for training was changing this month. So, I took just regular ol' 183. Non-tolled. 

I've never understood the "hole in my heart" reference. Or the "hole in my chest" reference. Pit in my stomach... sure. I'd felt that.  But never the chest thing... Until now that is. Now the pain in my chest screams at me every waking moment of my day. I catch myself trying to manage it, but ultimately, I just stare off into space.

Kyle and I have been talking on and off. Let's just say, last night I said "I know you're waiting for me to tell you that I'd hang up if she ever called again. I know that. But I promised you I would not lie to you... and right now I can't say what you want to hear without lying to you. Because I am devastated, I miss my friend, and I want nothing more than the opportunity to talk to her one more time... to give us the goodbye we deserve after the friendship we had."  He responded, "and love." and I said "Yes. I love her. That doesn't just disappear because she sent me one sentence via email."

You should know that I've gone full honesty with him. As I said before, I tried to downplay a few weeks. He now knows it was just about two months. I originally told him that we hadn't slept together. He now knows we have. But more importantly, he knows I love you. He knows I'm not sure this marriage will last. He knows, unequivocally that I am in love with you. 

I'm not going to lie... I feel a little lighter just being honest... being myself... admitting that I love you. 

This morning he told me that I don't need to take all of the responsibility for this happening. He admitted that he has pushed me away our entire relationship, and he's surprised I haven't left him yet. He says that it "kills" him. He wants us to come out of this stronger. 

I don't know how to respond to that, because all I keep thinking is that I want to come out if this with you.

Is that just heart break talking?  Come back to me please. I'm begging you.