My Never.

Day 4

Will you think of me in time?

It's never my luck, so never mind...

I wanna say your name, But the pain starts again.

It’s never my luck. So never mind...

I had a dream that you were with me.

It wasn't my fault.

Yoi rolled me over, flipped me over, like a summersault.

That doesn't happen to me.

I've never been here before.

I saw forever in my never and I stood outside her heaven.

Will you wait for me, in time?It's never my luck, so never mind....

Yeah, I lost a lot of what I don't expect to ever return.

I tend to push them, until the pushing's turned from hurt into burn.

I always take them to that place I thought they wanted to go.

But end up dancing around, this clown commands applause at his show... 

I had a dream that you were with me,

It wasn't my fault.

You rolled me over, flipped me over, a summersault

That doesn't happen to me.

I've never been here before.

I saw forever in my never and I stood outside her heaven.

Her Heaven....Heaven....Heaven....

And I can only dream of you in sleep,  but I'd never see sunlight again.

I could try to be with you, but somehow I'd end up just losing a friend.

I can only reach for you... Relate to you... I'm losing my friend.

Where did she go? 

Where?

I had a dream that you were with me.

That wasn't my fault.

You rolled me over, flipped me over, like a summersault. That doesn't happen to me.I've never been here before.

I saw forever in my never.

And I stood outside her heaven...

I stood outside her heaven...Let me in your heaven...I wanna live inside your heaven... 

Hey...

As I settled in to write you during my lunch break, I put in my earbuds to drown out office noise and turned on "Stefanie's Station". It's an Apple curated playlist, that plays songs it thinks I want to hear. The first song that came on was 'I Belong to You'. Admittedly, I turned it off quickly. It's been on repeat for the last three days, along with 'New Years Day,' and this morning when I woke up, I decided I couldn't live like that. 

But then this song came on. It's mournfully sad, beautifully poetic, and surprisingly relevant to how I'm feeling right now.

I checked my email this morning. My blog messages. And then my website's analytics. It's a routine I'm used to at this point. A routine that has let me down time and time again. And a thought occurred to me this morning, and I can't seem to shake it. I feel like I need to put words to it. So I'm writing it here, if only to remind myself later. 

You're never there. 

No response to my inquiry. You got it. You figured out it was me. And you decided not to respond. 

No response to the text I sent to your business line. Again... you got it.

No response to the text I sent about the check and your things. It was delivered. So you got that one too. And... nothing.

No new visitors to my website. There are exactly 4 visitors, ever. My iphone. My laptop. My work computer. And then Amber, which I sent her one of the posts I wrote about you. Then I promptly asked her never to go back to it again, because I don't want to log visitors that aren't you. You're the only other one with this link.

And you know what? You're never there.

And then this thing, that I always, always, always failed to learn throughout my dating years, popped into my mind. 

If she wanted to... she would.

There are so many avenues by which you could reach me, if you wanted to. I've made them obvious. I've made them accessible. And there are so many more options that I haven't even explored. Hell, last night, I was thinking about paying my friend to book a session with you, in person, while I waited in the car. Then when you came out to get her from the waiting room, she'd say "Stefanie's in the car, if you want to see her." And then you could decide if you wanted to see me or not. Best case scenario, that would buy me some closure. You either would want to see me, or you wouldn't. But at least then I'd know. And you'd have 200 more dollars in your bank account. 

But when "If she wanted to... she would" entered my mind, I knew that was not the right move.

One of the things I have always struggled with is feeling wanted. You know this. We've talked about this ad nauseum. When I was younger, I'd chase the boys. Make it obvious I was interested. I'd alter my interests to match theirs, to make myself look more desirable. Oh, you want to just be friends, Stephen? Cool, I'll play that role... for four years... while you use me and never love me back. 

Even with Kyle... He flat out told me he would never move to Cleveland for me... so if we were going to be together, I had to move to Austin. And that has stuck with me, at my core. He didn't love me enough to uproot his life for me... Aren't people supposed to make grand gestures when they love someone?  Eventually, I accepted, that just wasn't who he was. He's not the big romantic guy. He's not the guy who professes his love. He's the guy who eventually says he loves you, because you're yelling at him a month after moving to Austin, through an iron gate, in the rain... so he reluctantly tells you then. 

That's who I married. Does he love me? Goodness yes. I bring color to his life. But he's not the grand proclamation guy. He's the status quo... the steady, reliable one. 

And then you walked into my life. You chose me as your friend. You accepted me with all of my quirks and craziness. And you didn't just "accept it"... you were enamored by it. (Your word...) And so I locked in... best. friends. for. life. No one had ever accepted me like you.  Ever. Not a lover. Not a friend. And honestly... even one of my parents didn't accept me like that.

But you? You thought I was smart, despite having never graduated high school. You thought I was beautiful, and couldn't understand what was wrong with the men in the world. You didn't allow me to talk badly about myself. You complimented who I was at my core, and how we both viewed the world was basically identical. Like you were this long lost best friend that I had just been waiting to come into my life. And FINALLY, you were here. And I was finally able to use that phrase I had always desperately wanted... "Best Friend". And it wasn't just me saying it... It wasn't like I had a best friend, but I wasn't their best friend... No. Not with us. You were at the very top of my list. I was at the very top of your list. 

Did we have our hard times? God yes. Yes, we did. And since then, we've established why those hard times existed. And you know what? You were right about that. So very... very right.

Because things changed the day you told me you were in love with me. 

Holy.

Fuck.

Comments about my looks changed from "men are stupid idiots" to "I have wanted you for a very long time." You said you couldn't stop thinking about me. How it had been that way for months. That you thought it might be love at Thanksgiving... but knew it was at Christmas. That meeting me made all of the confusing feelings you carried your whole life, all of the sudden make sense. You said I changed your life. You told me that you had fallen in love for the first time, at the age of 41, with a husband, two kids, a mortgage and career. That you saw me in vivid color. You penned love letters. You listened and actually paid attention... And you said I was the most beautiful human you had ever laid eyes on.  You even called me "hot as fuck" more times than I can count. (A first for me, might I add...)

You fed my soul in every way a person can.

I was the girl who carried the unrealistic dreams of a someone who watched too many rom coms. In my 42 years, I had never experienced it, so it must not exist.... right? (Remind me to send that thank you note to Hollywood.) I had given up. I had a good man... actually, a GREAT man. I found the antithesis of my father and he's been a great partner for 20 years. But you changed the game. 

 You fed my soul in every way a person can. 

You didn't just fill in the blanks... You filled in everything. You checked every box. Together we painted unbelievably beautiful portraits of what the future could look like. Each picture with us getting younger... and younger. 

If I had all my yesterdays, I'd give 'em to you.

And then Friday happened. And you disappeared. But you warned me about this, right? You painted a clear picture of what would happen if we were ever to be discovered. But that same day, you kissed me in my kitchen and you told me you couldn't keep going home to someone else.  And that wasn't the first time you said that... you know that. Your thoughts were starting to change about how you wanted to live the rest of your life. 

But, you disappeared. 

Maybe I messed up by not talking on the way home. Maybe I didn't say all of the things you needed to hear. Maybe in that moment you really really needed me, and I failed. Maybe you think I should have known that the camera would work. (Which I invite you to google, because everything says it shouldn't have worked...) Maybe you resent me for these things. Maybe you think this was my evil way of making you choose me. Like... I manipulated this situation. Or, maybe you're mad that I chose to tell Kyle the truth... as if there was any choice..there was a video, Tracy.

But the truth remains, if all of that, none of that, or some of that is true... you're still not here. You're not visiting this blog. You're not responding to efforts. You're not sending that carrier pigeon to tell me you're still in it.

And if you wanted to... knowing what you know about me and my personality... if you wanted me to hold on... if you wanted me to know you're still right here with me....

You would.

It's that simple. And you're not. 

So I'm going to keep writing here, because this is my therapy. This is how I process what's going on in my life. And I'm going to leave that button there, just in case you ever want to reach out. Today... tomorrow... a month... or years from now. But I won't beg, Tracy. I won't be that desperate girl who does whatever she has to, so someone says that they love her. I'm not her anymore.... 

Because now I know what it feels like when someone consciously makes the choice to choose you, to chase you, to go out of their way to make you feel special. I know how easy it is to believe them when they say you love you, because of it. How easy it is to quiet the negative thoughts that creep into my mind, because someone has proven that they choose me. I know what it feels like to have someone love you in such a way, that leaves no room for question. After all, that's how you loved me.

So I'm not going to chase. I'm not going to keep trying. I will be here, and hopefully, at some point, you remember this website address. But even if you don't... you could reach me if you wanted to. And its apparent you don't. You have your reasons. And I trust you to make the right decisions for you.

But I will ask a couple of things of you... None of which you need to report back on.

First... Tracy... I need you to eat. Feed yourself, like you fed my soul. You deserve to have a healthy relationship with food. You don't have to carry the pain your mother inflicted on you forever. Do the hard work. 

Second... find another friend. I don't want you walking this earth lonely.... sitting by yourself in the evenings while Josh plays his games. I want you to be honest with him that this life of individual living that you have... where he does his thing and you do yours, isn't exactly what you want. You don't have to be attached at the hip... but you need to ask him to make more of an effort. You love him. I know you do. And he's a great guy. But that doesn't mean you can't advocate for your needs.

And finally, third... remember me. Remember that I love you and I always will. I will miss you every single day of my life. I will be looking for signs that you're still here... waiting for a sign that maybe you still love me. But if anything... I just ask that you never forget me. Because I know I will never forget you.

And meanwhile... I'll be here. Telling my story for no one to see. Processing the greatest loss of my life. And learning how to move forward.

All my love, forever.

~Stef