Is it You?

Day 5

I stand corrected. Just because the text says delivered, doesn't mean it was. It's an update for IOS 16 and newer. So maybe you didn't get my text message. Maybe Josh didn't get Kyle's? 

What can I say, Tracy? It was a hail Mary...

Can you really blame me? Creating that Google Voice account and texting you, was a hail Mary.  I thought, "maybe she had to block all forms of communication at that moment, with Josh. Maybe he made her. Maybe it was her way of proving she wouldn't talk to me?" So... I created a new form of communication.  (As if I never wrote that thing yesterday about not chasing... pathetic, huh?) 

I knew there was a chance I wouldn't hear back from you. I just didn't want to believe it...

Am I fool, Tracy? To think the love we shared was real? To believe the words you spoke about wanting to spend the rest of your life with me?  Words you said keep playing through my mind... 

"When I pull into my driveway, it feels like I'm in a strange place."

"I should be coming home to you..."

"I wonder how much longer I can live like this, knowing my whole heart is with you.".

"I don't want to wait until we're 85."

"I want to build a life with you."

"I would marry you tomorrow."

"I feel safer with you than I have ever felt in my life."

"I feel more like myself when I'm with you."

"I feel at peace when I'm with you."

"If we had just met 20 years ago... we'd have such a beautiful life."

What do I do with that, Tracy? How do I walk this earth knowing what you said, believing you meant it, and being left without closure. 

Baby... what did I do to deserve this pain? 

Yes, I know the thing that happened was wrong in many contexts... but it was SO RIGHT in so many others. 

Is there a clinical book somewhere that says cutting off all communication after a love like ours, is the only way to do this right?  That I'll eventually get over the pain, and this is the quickest way to get me there? Is it you making these boundaries? Is it you drawing that line? Is it you withholding from me, and not a stipulation that was put on you?

Do you think you're doing the best thing?

You're not. 

I need your wall to come down long enough to give me closure. Even if it's "hey... I misunderstood everything. I was wrong about my feelings. I'm so sorry." or "Your silence on the drive home Friday night, said everything I needed to know. I pick him." or "I love you more than anything in my life... but I choose him. I'm not leaving. Please. Let me go." Hearing your voice speak whatever your ACTUAL truth is (not a fabricated statement to make me feel better, or some sort of clinical response that you think is going to help me through this...) THAT'S what I need, Tracy. 

I need you to look me in my eyes and tell me this. AT MINIMUM leave a voicemail. Let me hear your voice so I know you mean it. Explain where you're at mentally.

Tracy, I didn't just lose my best friend. I didn't just lose my girlfriend. I didn't just lose my lover. I lost the person who makes me feel more alive than I have ever felt. And it's like someone is sucking my heart right out of my chest. 

Why are you doing this? All I've ever done, is love you with every bit of my soul.

I gave it all to you... and I thought you did the same. 

But one email. One sentence. 

"Since there was no actual discussion on the way home last night, I need to make sure it’s very clear that there will be no further communication of any kind from this point forward."

Are you mad that we didn't discuss anything? I was in utter shock. You were too! You could have spoken up just as easily as I could have. 

I hate to admit this, I hate to say this, and I don't mean this as a way to shove it in your face... but this is what Isaac did to Mollie. One message... blocking anywhere and everywhere... and absence. The very thing you said was wrong of him to do... you're doing to me. Do you not see that?

I know you drew a boundary. You take boundaries very very very seriously. But you also told me to not believe it when I heard it... so where does that leave me?

This is so hard,

~Stef