Goodnight.

Day 3

Another day has passed. Not a word. Not a sign. Not a visit to the blog. Not a note on my windshield. Not a response to the inquiry. Not a response to my text about returning your hoodie and money. Nothing.

I'm still holding onto a little hope

... but if I'm being honest... it's slipping. This is why we should have talked on the way home. I should have understood all of the different scenarios we needed to plan for. To discuss. I need expectations managed. 

Right now, as I get ready to lay down, I have this overwhelming feeling that you've turned it all off. That you've decided that I'm no longer the love of your life. You've decided Josh is it. Your family is more important... and if anything, I'm a nusance that won't go away. 

Maybe you and Josh are sitting there laughing at my weak attempts to reach you?  

Do I look pathetic? Am I going to be categorized as crazy, just like his ex? One day, with you guys living in California, you'll think back to the crazy women that didn't know when enough was enough? Is that me, babe? Is that who I have become?

I don't want to believe that. I don't want to believe that I'm now a joke. I'm sure at this point your kids have been instructed to never speak to us again. And if I am being pathetic, and crazy, and desperate... maybe you lump Mollie and I into the same category. "Man, those Yandell women don't know how to accept when it's over." 

But we were going to spend our lives together. Fuck... that's what our kids said too. But ours was different. We weren't teenagers. We were two women who knew what life was, who knew what we had, and were both floored to find some hope to a happier future... Where we didn't have to put up with mediocre and could strive for extraordinary. 

But tonight... Tonight I feel lonely. I feel like I made it all up in my head. Or that I should have known that this is what an affair is... momentary. Thrilling. But always winds up with them going back to their lives. 

Amber asked me what life would look like, if I could have it anyway I wanted. This is a pipe dream, so bear with me...

Neither of us wanted to blow up our families... so why would we? Why can't love conquer all. Why can't the men who love us, say "My god... it hurts that I'm not the one that brings you this happiness... but I love you enough to want the best for you in this one life we get." And that there would be a neighborhood. Each of the guys in their own house, us in ours. And our kids riding scooters around to go between the different houses. We share a calendar, so we can track what kid is doing what. And all three of the households pitch in wherever needed for all four kids.

In this scenario, our kids are pretty upset about this change at first. They are angry that we stepped out on their fathers. Maybe Isaac and Evelyn understand that he also stepped out on you... and eventually realize that both of you deserve happiness. They even joke that they "called it" all those months ago. Mollie becomes a daddy's girl. Completely upset by the whole thing. But she also comes around quicker than we expect, because she truly does believe "love is love" and wants everyone to find true love. She tells me she's mad at me for doing that to Dad, but her maturity allows her to understand that these things sometimes happen. Anderson? Anderson's confused. Are you an Aunt? Are you a Mom? He doesn't know, but he fucking loves you and asks us to buy apples for batting practice every time we order groceries.

Things are a little awkward at first. Josh and Kyle are not fans of us at all, but are mature enough to do what's right for the kids. But over time, that lessens. They see how great we are together. How both of us come out of our shells and become the people we were always meant to be. Josh and I are able to reconcile. (God... I would give anything for that.)  We sit down and he says all of the mean things he has to say to me, and I cry... I cry and apologize for hurting him, because I know he was my friend too. Kyle and you reconcile too. He's a bit more quiet about it. But he loves me enough to know that if I'm happy, and our kids are taken care of, that's all he can ask for. (He has doubled down multiple times today about his responsibility in all of this... I wish I could tell you about it.)

Eventually, we do family holidays. Maybe even a family vacation. (Separate Air BnBs, of course... maybe the same one at some point.)  Josh finds love. Kyle finds love. And the two of them actually become friends over the betrayal. Drinking beer on the back porch and talking about how fucked up it is. And eventually, one day... Josh looks at Kyle over a Dragon's milk, both of them sitting in separate hammocks, and says "... Okay, but that's also sorta hot, right?" and Kyle says "Oh yeah, for sure. But we're never speaking of it again." They clink bottles, laugh, and go back to drinking in silence. 

Meanwhile, we've got the kids over for dinner. Maybe even having them swim in the pool with their friends. We've got a gaggle of kids splashing and grabbing hamburgers off the grill. We're sitting outside watching them from the shade. Mollie & Isaac eventually get over their shit, and before you know it, they actually become friends. only friends, because that shit is weird now. And they promise to never talk about that one weird time when they dated.  

When the kids get married... each of us get a dance with each of the boys. And each of the guys get a dance with the girls. People may whisper about our situation.. To some it may be scandalous. But to us, it's family. It's a group of people, who fucking fought through the hard, did the counseling, worked through the repair, cried the tears, and found our happiness. 

And you and I? Well, we have a hot tub, that we only go into at night, once the kids are at their dad's, or asleep. I'm able to crawl into bed with you... and every once in a while, when I wake up and you're too far away, I can reach out and pull you into me as we both settle into sleep again. You eat regularly. We make a habit of morning coffee together. Then we head out for our days.  And at the end of our days, after the work, and the errands, and the kid carpooling, we come home to our home. Me and you... and whatever kids randomly decide to stop by that night for dinner, or sleep at mom's.  I know this all sounds so far fetched. So to add a little realism... your mom still hates me. Funny enough... she absolutely LOVES Josh now. And you? You hardly ever have to see Josh's parents again! I mean... his dad is already the only one going to heaven, so what does it matter if he thinks we're going to hell, right?

And maybe it's delusional. Maybe there's no chance this ever happens. But maybe some of it does happen?  At absolute minimum though... I am yours... You are mine. And we get to live happily ever after. 

But I won't lie, Tracy... This dream feels very one sided right now. Right now the fear that creeps into my mind is that you decided it's done. That this will never happen. And we will never talk again.  Josh removed me from his Tesla app at 1:30. Four hours later, you removed me from yours. Then an hour later, you sent me that email. Somewhere in all of that... I was wiped from ever knowing you. My text was delivered. You didn't block me. But you consciously didn't respond. Even if you haven't seen any of my other efforts to reach out, I know you got that. 

It's lonely over here. I need a sign. I need something, if you're still here with me. 

If you're not, I need to know. I need to be released from this. I need the chance to grieve. I think what we had was real. I think you meant it all. I think you're just not sure what to do right now, so you're going through the motions. But if my biggest fear is true, and you are wiping your hands of me, of us... Then I need YOU to tell me. In a way where I know it's you, with no doubt in my mind. I need to talk to you. I'd like to see you. Even if it's just for a goodbye. 

Just please, tell me where your head is at. Because I'm in alot of pain over here. And I don't know if I'm going to make it out in one piece. Send me a message. Drop me a note. Hell... send Jackie to talk to me. Something. Anything. I need a breadcrumb. I don't want to lose hope. I don't want to stop believing.

I love you. Always.

~Me