Gravity.

I had considered writing a number of things today. Tons of possibility. But now as I find myself in front of the laptop at 9:05 PM on June 11th, I realize there's really only one option.

Because on this night... two months ago...

... she reluctantly told me the thing that had the power to change everything. She was in love with me.

DoorDash is something I had started doing when I was unemployed to help make ends meet. I hesitated telling her about this for quite some time. She had a pretty prominent position in a local law enforcement office, and her husband was a director of some IT thing... so they had money. And me? Well, I was just an unemployed ex-business owner with no direction. so the fact that I was driving DoorDash stayed a secret. But one day, shortly after the "listen... you're going to get raw, unfiltered Stefanie" decision, I told her. And she was actually fascinated about it, because one of her other really good friends also did DoorDash... just for fun. Extra money. Eventually, with time, she rode along. And it became a way for me to hang out with my friend.

On this particular night, she was riding along. And there had been a number of things leading up to this that made me think... I think there are feelings developing here on my side... and as long as I'm not reading everything wrong on her end, I'm pretty sure she feels the same. So, the master manipulator that I am, I made a comment... a comment I knew would trigger her if my assumptions were correct.

And the second I said that comment, the look on her face said everything I needed to know. She still didn't say it. She clammed up. She refused to tell me what she was thinking. But eventually... she did.

In a rush... while driving down the road... she blurted out "I think I'm in love with you." And that was the moment my life changed. Sobbing erupted from her. "We can't be friends anymore." "I can never see you again." "I just lost my best friend."

I tried my best to calm her down... finally admitting to her that I, too, had started questioning things. We were on the same page. She told me she had started dreaming of me last Thanksgiving... and knew she loved me on Christmas day. And admittedly, it took me a bit longer to get there. But I had gotten there. And right there in that car, I told her.

I didn't know then that all of this would happen. I just knew I had been questioning things. I had been collecting these little moments... lingering touches, compliments. meaningful letters... and wondering what it all meant.

That night she kissed every inch of my face with the exception of my lips. She kissed up and down my arm... her kisses slow, almost reverent. Like she was savoring every moment of her lips on my skin. Like she had finally found herself doing the one thing she never thought she'd get the opportunity to do. Like she wanted to remember every moment of it.

When I dropped her off at her house that night, I drove away with my mind running wild. "OMG, what just happened." "Wait, does this mean she's gay?" "Why did I enjoy that so much?" "Oh shit, does this mean I'm gay?" "In love with me since possibly Thanksgiving?" "No one has ever known me, loved me, respected me or wanted to be around me, like she does." And as those questions flew through my mind at the speed of light, it all stopped as I turned left off of her street... I knew right then... without a single doubt in my mind...

I was in love with her, too.

And I was falling head first into her gravity.

Twenty four hours later, she kissed me for the first time. And I was a goner... I lived every moment of our time together worshipping the ground she walked on. I could never get enough of her. Every waking moment of my day was connected to her in some way. Texting started before we even said good morning to our spouses. We spent every possible lunch hour together. Our hands were immediately on each other the moment we were out of eyesight of anyone we knew. We just... fit together. Perfectly.

And as a sentimental girl, the realization that today was the 11th hit me hard about mid-afternoon. Until then, I had spent the day actually sort of angry with her. I mean, she KNOWS what her silence is doing to me. And she seemingly doesn't care. She ignores every effort I make to reach her. She blocks all forms of contact. She doesn't come to the blog, when she said she would. She just... discarded me like a piece of trash.

My husband asked me 11 days ago "What would happen if she came back. What would you do if she showed up at your door? If she sent you a letter? If she called?" I stayed quiet, had nothing to say. The last thing I wanted to do was lie to him again.

And so the next day, he asked again. At this point I had abandoned all efforts to glaze over the details to make them seem less harsh... I had told him everything. So when he asked again, I drew in a deep breath and said "I know what you're looking for. You're waiting for me to tell you that I'd hang up... I'd shut the door in her face... I wouldn't read the letter. But I can't honestly say that to you, Kyle. Because I loved her before any of this started. I loved her as a friend first. And I fell in love. And that's going to take time."

My husband is a saint, because he understands. He understands when I'm hurting. He sees it in my eyes when I miss my friend... my girlfriend. And he offers comfort. As I question if any of it was real, he actually defends her, which is weird... he says "As much as I'd love to tell you that she's just evil and manipulative and didn't mean it all... she probably did. I don't think she lied to you."

He very well may be saying that for my sake... he knows that the thought that maybe she never really meant any of it haunts me. And so he could be saying the hard thing to make me feel better. Either way... I don't deserve him.

I miss her. For a short period of time, she was mine. But it feels so heavy that she is gone. That she doesn't love me enough to ease my mind. So while this morning was better... lunch was better... this afternoon and this evening were painful.

I keep being told this fades. That it gets better. But I don't know if this is something I'll ever fully heal from. The abandonment from a friend... from someone who said that you were the love of their life... that never feels better. Ever.

And I want to get mad... I want to say "FUCK YOU. DON'T EVER COME BACK HERE AGAIN!" But I can't... I can't say that. Something in me stops me from expressing this anger fully. Because deep down, or maybe even not that deep down, I keep hoping she'll show back up. That I'll get a flower delivery at work from her, or a letter will wind up in my mailbox, or she'll finally call or text or send something via google chat.

But it never happens. It doesn't matter what level of pain I'm in, there's no mercy being shown from her or the universe. And I still find myself heart broken without any indication that she feels the same. And I am left to wonder... and left to miss my friend.

Right or wrong, she was the center of my world for the last year... and now I don't know where I belong, or what to do. And I wonder if this will ever pass. If I will ever feel better. And if she will ever return.

Taylor said "Don't read the last page," but the not knowing is literally chipping away at my soul.