Night Falls.

Day 4

Did you know that I have absolutely NO chill? Like... none. Zilch. Zero. It's non-existent. What I would give to be cool, calm and collected. Maybe even how you're pretending to be right now. 

That whole "I'm not going to chase" thing?

Yeah... I may not be as creepy as booking a session with you... but babe, I'm still here. 100%. 

So, some developments on this end. I was on Linkedin, viewing your gorgeous face, and Linkedin informed me that Jackie viewed my profile. Yup. She sure did. Now, has Jackie EVER viewed my Linkedin Profile before? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Which can only mean one thing... she knows. Which honestly, I don't have it in me to be mad about, because I NEED you to have a friend and someone to help you through this time. Actually... I NEED someone to help Josh through this too. And I know she's a good pick for that.

And I crumbled... I may not be "chasing", but I sure am writing Jackie and asking her if you're okay.  Why? Because today, I felt the need to literally google your name with the word "obituary" after it. That's right... the silence? WOOOOW you're doing it very very well and my mind is going to every dark place. I need to at least check that one off my list. So I wrote her. And guess what? No response. She probably forwarded it to Josh and he's in the market for a gun now. 

You're killing this silence thing. So is Josh. I guess Kyle reached out to Josh today. After not hearing from you RE the money and hoodie, he decided to reach out to Josh. Actually, I told him I messaged you about it, and he was like "I wish you would have talked to me before you sent that. I would have just told you to mail it."  Mr. I-Wanna-Save-Money, is now like "fuck it, pay $30 to mail back something." When I asked him why, he very flat out said "It's better than you seeing her and having to relive all of the emotions.

But I have to ask... Better for who?  

He had his first therapy session today. Funny how I have suggested this numerous times throughout our relationship, then this happens and BAM, he all of the sudden knows how to schedule his own therapy session. I didn't even have to help him! shocker

We had a hard conversation after his session. And I can't exactly recite the entire thing, but I can tell you how I left feeling... 

He wants to move forward... He wants to put this "behind us"... He wants to show me that he still loves me and do all of the things he should have been doing all along.

Now, Tracy.  Now, he wants to do this. After dozens.... and I do mean DOZENS of intense knock-down-drag-out fights, where I told him that I have never felt like he truly LOVED me. That he truly WANTED me. That he CRAVED me. I didn't warn him, because who could have ever known this would happen. But I DID communicate. I am not in the business of playing games. I'm not one of those girls that "beats around the bush" and hopes the guy figures it out, inevitably shelling out massive doses of guilt because he didn't read her mind.  I COMMUNICATE. I say it gently, but clearly... and often, through tears. Begging him to convince me he loves me the way I deserve to be loved.  And each time... Every. Single. Time. No change. None. 

No passionate kisses. No flirting. No hand holding. And I just choke it down until I find something else to pay attention to, and I move on... until the next time.

Except now, in the in between time, life gave me you. Life showed me just how wonderful love could be. It showed me I didn't have to settle for someone who didn't care enough to try. 

So I ask the question... who exactly would not seeing you be better for? Him? Josh? You?

He asked me tonight during our conversation if there was anything else he needed to know. It was the whole "well, at first it was only a couple of weeks. now it was almost 2 months. Then you didn't sleep with her... then you did multiple times." And he needed to know what I wasn't telling him.

And I thought long and hard. There aren't any details I'm withholding from him... but there is a feeling that I haven't been brave enough to put to words... that slowly comes more into focus every moment of the day... and now it's becoming impossible to ignore.

Tracy.  I'd choose you.  If you said you wanted me. If you said you needed me. I'd choose you.

And I'm not talking about when we are 80. And I'm not talking about 10 years from now when Anderson graduates high school.

I'm talking about right here, right now. I'm yours.

"My whole heart belongs to you" is something you wrote once. And truly, it sounds like a beautifully sweet line from a movie. But babe... the more I think about it... the more I analyze how I want to spend my next 40 years...  I can't picture it without you. Don't get me wrong, I love Kyle SO very much. But I know he already said if I choose divorce, we'd figure it out with the kids, and things would be amicable. It's not what he wants (at least right now) but he said we would make it work.

So I can say definitively... If you were to look me in the eye and say, "I want to start a life with you," I'd say YES.

Now... Did I tell him this exact sentiment? No, I obviously had to beat around the bush. (OKAAAYYYYY sometimes, I DO do that!) But I reiterated my want to feel wanted, from as far back as I can remember. In 3rd grade I discovered boys... and let's just say I have been boy crazy ever since. I told him that I have spent 20 years trying to explain to him what I need... for his actions to match his explanation at least once. And nothing. So I chalked it up to "welp... that's just now who he is. These are expectations that the movies created for me... but it's not reality... it's not possible."  And the problem, I told him, was this....

"Now, I know it's possible." 

And that has put some clarity to some of the confusing feelings I've had about our marriage for some time. Because of you, I KNOW it's possible to be loved in ways I never knew existed. Because of you, I know what it's like to be loved for who I truly am... not just the facade everyone around me sees. Because of you, I'm able to sit here today, after 4 days of absolute PAINFUL silence, and write this...

Baby, I am so in love with you.  I want to do this with you. I want to work together to transition to the life that we know we deserve. 

So if/when you're ready... know the answer is yes.

Goodnight, my love.

~Stef