Dumped.

I didn't shower for 5 full days after I saw you last. On the 6th day, I took a shower, but only convinced myself to do so by agreeing with myself that I didn’t have to shave. On the 7th day, I put on mascara. And today, 8 days after I saw you last, I curled my hair, did my makeup, and put on your favorite outfit. The one with the blue and white pants. Progress... Right?

Welcome to Saturday's Novel.

There are five stages of grief. I couldn't remember the number, but I looked it up to be sure.

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

I've always thought this was "the order", but apparently this isn't supposed to be linear. It sort of reminds me of that Friends episode, where Monica is trying to explain the seven erogenous zones of the female body and how you can't just go 1, 2, 3, 4... But instead, it's like a dance... 1, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3, 2, 4, etc. Apparently, that's what grief is as well... just a lot sadder.

I don't know what stage of grief I am in. The truth is, I probably touch each of them every single day. But today, there are two that are prominent in my mind.

Acceptance and Anger.

I started my day going to Amber's. I needed to put some more of your letters in the safe. She also knew it had officially been one week. So, she asked how I was. I told her... "I got dumped."

You see, right after I got your morning-after email, I spiraled. I don't think I've stopped. I was scared I would never see or talk to you again. I told her that much. She advocated for you actually. She said there was no way we could share a love like we did, and then just walk away. She said she had never seen me happier. That as much as she loved Kyle, he has never completely filled my cup. And for once she got to see me happier than I’ve ever been. She wanted nothing more for me. According to her, you were just biding your time. Finding an opportunity to reach me that wouldn’t complicate either of our situations further.

But deep down in my soul… I knew better.

"I'm never going to hear from her again." I told her. She reassured me that that was just my brain doing it what it always does... catastrophizing. I could hear my saying in my head, "Let the paint dry."

"She'll get ahold of you in a few days... just be patient." She firmly believe there wasn’t a world in which you didn’t reach out within a week.

……………………

So today, when I told her “I got dumped,” she took in a long breath and then sighed it out heavily. "Yeah baby.. I think you did."

(Fuck... I haven't cried all day, and here I am at 12:33 am tearing up.)

I was in a decent mood then, so conversation drifted to another topic.

Then before leaving, she hesitated saying something, for fear of giving me another dose of false hope. But, she ultimately decided that she needed to. She pointed out that yes, I may have been dumped. Discarded, if you will. But still, she needed to offer me another perspective.

The truth is, I’m reaching a point where I am starting to question it all… maybe you didn’t mean all the things you said. And she discouraged me from giving those thoughts too much space in my mind. She reminded me that I am the daughter of a woman who didn't fight for her own happiness. A woman who accepted less than she deserved. And I watched that my whole childhood. It shaped who I became… someone who doesn’t settle. Ever. Then she put her hand on my arm, and said... "Not everyone is as strong as you are, because not everyone has lived the same life that you have."

She went on to say that you might just be frozen in your routine, scared, and doing whatever you have to do to keep your family unit together. You're not to the point mentally, where you can accept and tell the world you’re gay. Or you're denying how happy accepting that fact would make you, but only for the sake of your family. She reminded me that your 40s are full of responsibilities that make walking away feel insurmountable.

She also said that you and Josh would work through this and he'd have to forgive you, because you forgave him, and because of this you guys would stay together. But eventually, be it in a week, a month, a year or a decade from now, you might just decide you can no longer live a lie, and you’d come back to me.

(She also pointed out even if you did finally walk away, this future you make for yourself, may or may not include me. I didn't like hearing that.)

She also hypothesized that maybe your role in my life, was to wake up my husband. Or maybe it was to show me that a better love was out there and convince me that I can find it. I think the problem I have with her sentiments, is that I let myself believe that your role in my life... was to be my wife. I said time, and time again, I had no idea why you liked me as much as you said you did. It didn't compute in my head. Still doesn't. And even though every fiber of my being recoiled at the sheer consideration of believing you... you somehow broke through... and I did.

I believed you with every thing I have..

And now? I feel naive.

I then had to go pick up Mollie over in Summerlyn West. She had been at a friends house and I very purposefully took the street I know Jackie lives on, hoping I'd see your car. I'm actually not even sure what I would have done had I had seen it... but I didn't.

After turning on the street, I scanned. No red cars. Wait... no, there was one. A Honda. Not you. A little further up I saw a woman in shorts who looked like she was putting down weed killer? Doing something in the yard. And I thought "That's a very lesbian thing to do! Maybe that's their house?" And then I saw the rainbow flag. Whoomp, there it is. It was Val.

My immediate instinct was to put on the brakes. Then I thought "Wait... what the hell am I going to do? What do I say?" And so back on the gas... Then as I physically passed her, my face pointed forward, hoping she didn't recognize me, my foot betrayed me a gain and hit the brake. No! Gas, Stefanie. Then about three houses down, the thought entered my brain that I needed to turn around in someone's driveway. Brake again. Gas again. And this time I kept driving.

After picking up Mollie, I purposefully drove by their house again, telling myself if she was still out there, I'd take Mollie where she needed to go, and turn back around. I'd pull up. I'd wait until she looked up. And with tears in my eyes, I'd simply ask, "Is she okay?" But Val had gone in... and maybe that was for the best.

So, I took Mollie home and then decided to g shopping. I cannot tell you, how many times I thought I saw you. I swear to you, there has been a red fucking Tesla baby boom in Leander. I pulled into QuikTrip... there was a model 3. Not you. I drove through the car wash, hoping you might be there. You weren't. I then saw a red car over by Way Back, and drove over there. Nope. Wrong again.

At this point, I said to myself "get a fucking grip. You don't need to be in this parking lot. MOVE. ON." So then down old 183 I went. Stopped at lights with red Teslas. Even a few white ones, that had me straining to see if Josh was staring daggers into my eyes from inside. I was going to drive through the HEB parking lot, then a RED FUCKING TESLA pulled out as I went to turn in, and I couldn't tell if it was you or not. So, I decided to follow it. Right at the light... It wasn't you. So, I turned left at that next light and went to Kohls.

Now... had I planned on going to Kohls? No. But I know you love Kohls. So I drove through the parking lot and inspected every red car that was there... and then told myself I was stupid and that the least I could do was actually shop. So, in I went and $75 later, out I left. There was a red tesla in front of Planet Fitness at that time. I walked towards it for a bit, until I realized it was a Model Y, and so I turned around and did the walk of shame back to my car.

I scanned the Chick Fil A parking lot as I left the shopping center. Somewhere along the way, I passed Summer Moon... looked for a red car. Maybe you were at Paris Baguette with Evelyn? Checked that parking lot too. When I passed by the second GoWash, I pulled in because I couldn't clearly see all of the cars at the vacuums. And I needed to see if you were there. You weren't.

So I talked myself off of the precarious ledge and went to Dutch Bros. And then mercy flowed from above, and my phone rang... It was Jen. Margs at Lupe was on the menu. I stopped at Old Navy, grabbed a pair of size 16 shorts and a few other things, and checked out as quickly as possible.

As I pulled into the parking lot, I remembered your birthday dinner there. And my heart fell into my stomach. Thankfully, she was sitting at the bar, not the booth, and I immediately ordered a BEAUTIFUL spicy margarita. It had little tiny pieces of spicy peppers floating in it. I was quite stunning.

I had basically ghosted Jen and Shane all week. Finally, she had messaged me "Is you alive?" And with my give a fuck broken, I told her. "hey. sorry I have been ignoring you. I had an affair. Kyle found out. Not sure what's going to happen next. If you think I'm morally corrupt, I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore." So, she showed up for story time at that bar today.

And if story time is what she wanted... story time is what she was going to get. She got it all. My history with Kyle. My issues with sex. Our friendship timeline. The patterns. The lingering touches. The hair playing. The snuggling. The confession. The cop. The kissing. The rooftops. The parking lots. The four day weekend. The sex. The promises. The future.

She. Got. It. All.

What a fucking wild-ride for her, am I right?

You know she was actually all for it at first? Like, she's a big fan of me living my best life... and I held nothing back. She knows how desperately in love with you I am. She knows how I would marry you if you just said the word. She knows the promises, the changing timelines, she knows it all.

But then we got to the part of the story where I dropped you at home at 11:59 that Friday night. She was locked in. "What happened then?" "What happened next?" Well, next came the realization that I couldn't Venmo you for the cabin, because I was blocked. Then the realization I probably needed to check my email... and the way the world stopped spinning when I did.

Then I told her... that. you. never. came. back.

Not a call. Not a note. Not a random message sent from a library computer. Not a 2 am removal from the blocked numbers list, followed immediately by a text message, and re-blocking me again. Nothing. Crickets.

I recounted all the ways I have tried to reach you this week. The phone number I literally created, knowing you couldn't block a number that hadn't existed yet, and the subsequent texts that have gone unanswered. The website inquiries, which you undoubtedly have received.... and ignored.

And she sat back in her stool, in utter shock. You and me both, Jen. You and me, both.

You see Tracy, what you don't know is that Shane was married when they started dating. And Jen was living with another guy. And even after Shane's wife found out about the affair and subsequently blocked Jen on everything she could get her hands on... Shane still desperately found ways to reach her... including finding payphones. Even when he had a moment of guilt and called things off... he was back 24 hours later. He couldn't stay away from her. It was a magnetic force.

As she described that feeling of need... of want... It reminded me of us. Because that's how we were with each other up until that Friday night. 24 hours without talking? 24 minutes felt like an eternity. It was obsessive. It was a thirst we could never quench. Nothing was right in the world, unless we were together.

And then... you just disappeared.

And I know... you warned me from the very beginning. And I know it was naive of me to think with all the words spoken and written and all of the wishes known, that you might not be able to keep yourself away from me.

... but I guess you can. Because if you wanted to reach me, Tracy... you would. You could. you know everything. You know where I live. Where I work. What my lunch schedule is. You know when and where my therapy is. You know where Amber lives. You even know the address to this website. And where the fuck ARE YOU?

There it is... the anger. The feeling of foolishness that I let myself believe you. That I let myself hope. That you got into my head and made me believe that catastrophizing everything was the dumbest thing I could do.

But this feeling... THIS ONE RIGHT HERE... is why I do that. It's why I plan for worst case scenario. It's why I can't believe someone when she looks me in my eyes and tells me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Because the second I allow myself to believe it... THIS happens. The rug gets pulled right the fuck out from underneath me... and I, like a crystal bowl on the table that fell over in the process... am left SHATTERED.

I can't believe you did this to me.

Of all the people in the world, Tracy. I can't believe that YOU, did this, to ME. You didn't have to leave your family. But you didn't have to leave me in the dark either. You discarded me. Like I never meant anything to you.

And I feel stupid. I feel like I got played. I fear there's a really good possibility that you have always been curious... and you saw my weaknesses. Hell, I served them to you on a silver platter. And you used them to explore your sexuality. And then... I was discarded.

You broke me Tracy. And yet... I still love you. I'd still say yes. I still... with every ounce of my being, want to believe you meant it all. I literally can't wrap my brain around the idea that you used me. Not MY Tracy. Not the woman I knew. Not my best friend!

But then I'm confronted with the reality that this happens every day to completely unsuspecting people. Is that what I am? Just an unsuspecting casualty in your sexual exploration? Did you even tell Josh the truth? Or am I the aggressor in his book? Am I the one that played on your weaknesses? Is that why you had to block me everywhere? So he wouldn't find out?

You're not here. It feels like you have forgotten me. And my brain is working overtime to convince me that that is not true. It could never be true. That this anger that is inside of me, is just fear... and logically, you are exactly the person I fell in love with. And that I just need to wait. That you will reach out soon. You will give us the closure we deserve, or we will live happily ever after.

Because you don't want to hurt me right? Then why is this hurting?