Hurt Me.

You know how I'm the kind of girl who will think through every worst case scenario, no matter how big, or how small the situation is? It could be big stuff like what would happen if we fell behind on bills, who's going to pay to bury my parents, or a caterer not showing up for a wedding. But its also the small stuff... What if I pick this nail color and I wear a shirt this week that doesn't match? What if I eat breakfast before floating the river and have to shit in the water an hour in?

The people in my life can rest assured that when I make a decision, I have thoroughly evaluated every risk that exists. Now, sometimes I make the decision to take the risk anyways... but it's not for the lack of thinking it through.

Yup. Even her. I thought her through as well.

And a lot played into my decision to move forward with the affair. (ooofa. I hate that word.) And I could rehash it all, but we don't have that kind of time. But here are the highlights: I was very disconnected from my husband, I was convinced my husband has never been attracted to me, I have childhood trauma that has left me with severe daddy issues about being accepted and wanted, I have self image issues that have resulted in me never believing anyone could find me attractive, my entire life I have desperately wanted a friend I could be my full authentic self with, no one (and I mean NO ONE) has ever cared for me like she did, and I've always been a little curious about women...

So you take all of that, along with all of the other reasons I haven't listed, and you've got yourself a recipe for... What? Love? Disaster? Unsure... the jury is still out. Either way, the relationship started.

In my never ending quest to think everything through, I admittedly over analyzed the vast majority of things she said to me once the relationship started. I had a difficult time believing she felt all of these things she said about me. So, I looked for cracks in her voice, tone shifts, inconsistencies, or anything else I could possibly twist into justifying her fears of not actually loving me in the way she said she did.

And unlike anyone else that had ever come into my life, she did the work to convince me to believe her. I mean, where a man (and even most women) would have said "OMG, I've already said this 3 times, can you just believe me already?" She was never exhausted of the reassurance. "I'll reassure you as many times as you need," she promised.

Now eventually, and rightfully so, she shared that it was hurting her feelings that I seemingly doubted her love for me. And you know what? I get that. If you are loving someone in every way they want to be loved, which she was, then you’d want to know that the person you loved actually believed you. 

When she said I was hurting her feelings, my insides recoiled a little. Hurting her was the absolute last thing I wanted to do in this world. At that time, I hadn't considered how not believing her could affect her... I only knew the insecurities yelling at me from inside my head.

So I did the math over again… 

1. I did not want to hurt her.

2. She had never done anything, ever, to make me not believe her.

3. She was the one who told me she was in love with me.

4. She craved my mind and my body.

5. She said we were soulmates, which was something she did NOT believe in before me.

6. She longed to start a life with me.

   
   

"Holy shit... I think she might be telling the truth." And with that realization, I was all in. Any reservations I had? Gone. If she was going to love me the way she was loving me, I was going to do the same. She filled my cup, so to speak, and with the state of my marriage, there was plenty of cup to fill... and she did it and so much more.

All of the sudden the future looked brighter. And when she talked about wanting to get me a ring, I started picturing a life with a spouse who came home from work and immediately wanted to touch me, talk to me, spend their time with me, and go out and explore the world.

But then that text came in.

"You know there is a camera in your car, right?"

and

"I'm recording."

I dropped her off at her house, before going home to face the truth, and I never heard from her authentically again. Only one email. One sentence. No further contact. She didn't even sign the email, she let the auto signature do it for her. And that was it.

I wish I could scream loud enough from my house for her to hear... "THIS IS WHY I HAVE TRUST ISSUES!!!" And the funny thing is, this is EXACTLY what her son did to my daughter when they were dating. (yeah... that's a story for another post.) And she was so upset with him for that. In fact, because he didn't have the decency to break up with her in a more respectable way, she said he couldn't date for a while at all. I mean... they had been together 7 months! You can't just send a text and block her everywhere. You've got to call her, have the hard conversation, and move on. At least that's what she told him.

I guess the same rules don't apply to her. Because "dropped like a bad habit" is putting it lightly. With a bad habit, you at least flirt with the idea of going back to it... the initial instinct to go back to that habit being stronger than your will to stop in a lot of cases. But I guess I was dropped like... like... you know, I can't pinpoint the analogy I'm reaching for. All that is coming to mind is this...

"I was dropped like something you never even fully loved to begin with."

.

.

.

When she finally told me it hurt her feelings, she said something she would wind up repeating a few times. Something that has stayed in my mind and has been rolling around ever since. At first it stayed at the forefront of my mind, because I didn't want her to feel this way. I hadn't intended to portray that. So I knew I had to change it. Now it stays right there, within reach at all times, because of the irony of it all.

She said "When you say things like this, it makes me feel like you're convinced I'\M going to be the one to hurt YOU. I'm going to be the one to mess this up."

And when she said it, I knew immediately that it wasn't fair to her. In relationships, either person is capable of messing up. And the last thing I wanted to do was make her question how highly I thought of her.

But yet… here we are, friends. I was dropped without so much as a "goodbye".

🎵But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing.

And I don't even your love

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.🎵

If memory serves me correctly, she allowed her husband to have a final conversation with the woman he had an affair with a few years ago. But I guess I'm not that lucky. Or maybe I'm not worthy of that kindness in her eyes.

I spent the last year loving her. It was a friendship that grew fast. We loved hard. We took care of each other. We made plans.

And in a blink of an eye and the press of a send button... it was over.

And now I'm left with this vacancy in my heart and doubt running through my mind.

And I truly don't think I'll ever hear from her again.

God... I can't wait until I have something else to write about.